Mind Matters

1. Mutual respect and admiration. You may not like some of the things your spouse says or does, but when you respect each other, you accept that it’s okay for the other person to have an opinion or choice that is different from yours. You may admire your spouse’s knowledge, skills, experience or just the way he or she cares for your puppy. But, you both feel it for each other.

2. Commitment to long term. We say it in our vows, but to really mean it you must take the steps necessary to stay in the marriage, whether it is seeking outside help or avoiding temptation. It is usually easier to quit than to make a difficult situation work. Undoubtedly, some situations are not savable, but it really depends on the person and his or her willingness to endure the negative feelings of anger, disgust and embarrassment.

3. Suppression of impulses. There are times in every marriage when temptation comes knocking. It is most likely to occur when you are particularly vulnerable, such as after great loss or great achievement (and alcohol compounds it). You always have a choice, and thinking about the consequences in advance makes it an informed choice. You have to ask yourself, “What would happen if… ?” Now, is it worth it?

4. Commitment to communication. Easily the most important factor, communication means paying attention to what you say, how you say it and when you say it, then paying attention to the feedback you get. It also means asking for clarification, maintaining your composure, speaking up rather than holding back and, yes, saying you are sorry.

5. Tolerating change and difference. Each of us changes as we age, and there is no predicting what path we will take. Tolerating change is allowing your spouse to grow, to explore and maybe even take a path you do not like. The question is, can you live with it, or is it so different from you as to be intolerable?

6. Spending time together, even when it is inconvenient. Yes, children interrupt and jobs interfere, so it is critical when we’re busy to find time to be together. For some, date night every month or lunch on Fridays works, but whatever it is, it should be regular and just for you. It only takes one person to remind the other that your time together needs to get back on schedule.

7. Avoiding triangulation. Friends are great for sharing woes and wows, but when difficulties arise, it is important that the married couple works it out on their own as best they can. Turning to a third party eases the pain enough to discourage talking it over with the spouse. As best you can, keep it between the two of you, and absolutely keep a child out of the middle.

8. Patience and compromise. This is a common thread. Sometimes we have to give our partner time to work something out, or we may need patience in getting them to see our perspective. We cannot make someone else change. Negotiate and compromise together to achieve a mutually agreeable solution.

9. Acceptance and forgiveness. There are things husbands do (well, wives, too) that annoy, irritate or inflame us, whether they meant to do it or not. It remains our choice to decide whether we will allow that to continue to bother us or whether we will let it go. Forgiving our partners for their foibles enables us to live happier lives with less regret.

10. Did I say communication? I simply can’t say it enough. Talk, listen, touch. Repeat.