Reviews by Kris Mason Just When You Thought It Was Safe…

I consider myself a fair person. I don’t hold all movies to the same standard. It wouldn’t be right to ask you, “Which movie is better, Schindler’s List or Revenge of the Nerds?” “Gone with the Wind or Star Wars?” Even though these choices are mismatched, each one of these is an outstanding example in its category. When Spielberg or Scorsese release a film, my filter is quite thick and allows fewer “particles” to pass through. When I go to a horror film, I’m not looking for Academy Award winning performances, or the nomination for best screenplay, I just want to escape with some popcorn and be entertained.

When I saw that there was going to be a Piranha 3-D, I had two immediate thoughts. Was there a Piranha 2? And simply, Why? After looking back, there actually was a second Piranha. It was the second film directed by a no-name James Cameron. Yes, that’s the same James Cameron who has grossed over $1.3 billion with his two most popular films, 1997’s Titanic and last years Avatar. Maybe the very recognizable cast thought they could revive their careers by riding the coattails of the all but unknown French director Alexandre Aja (The Hills Have Eyes, 2006). With over a dozen combined Oscar, Emmy and Golden Globe nominations and wins, Elizabeth Shue (Leaving Las Vegas, 1995), Christopher Lloyd (NBC’s Taxi, 1978), Richard Dreyfuss (The Goodbye Girl, 1977), Ving Rhames (HBO’s Don King: Only in America, 1997) and Jerry O’Connell (Stand by Me, 1986) should be ashamed of themselves. I need to rent the above mentioned work to remember that these people, at one time, deserved better.

Even with my low standard for judging the horror genre (my filter allowing big chunks of garbage to float right by) this third installment of the flesh eating fish franchise was painful. Although there were moments that caught my eye, like shot sequences that mimicked scenes from the Jaws movies and an homage to James Cameron’s tilted Titanic sinking scene, the movie was seemingly handed over to a team of fourteen-year-old special effects technicians who plotted to fill all non-story related scenes with topless girls and bottomless guys. The only thing worth seeing is Richard Dreyfuss reprising his role as Matt Hooper from Jaws, singing the same song that he sang around the galley table with Roy Scheider and Robert Shaw. The movie opens with his scene and here’s my tip, when you hear him sing, “Show me the way to go home,” that’s actually your hint to leave. If you don’t take his warning, the best part of Piranha 3-D is that it’s only 88 minutes long.